We pick up with Kristen telling Xander to kill EJ once again. “Good God, Kristen!” She’s serious enough to offer boatloads of money to make it happen, but Xander has his answer: “Go to hell.” (Aw, he really is growing up.)

Kristen mocks him for going soft, but Xander’s been in therapy! He’s evolved, darn it!. She points out Xander doesn’t have to personally do anything but call in his goon squad. But that’s still a no, no, no and…no!

But he is in for a little shag. Surprisingly, Kristen goes in for the kill. Er, kiss. The music gets sensual, the camera zooms in and — Oh. Oh my. Kristen ties Xander up and they go at it like rabid animals. (Was this on anyone’s 2026 bingo card?) After, Kristen basks in her achievement, while Xander’s left to free himself, wrenching his elbow in the process. She could care less.

Will Chanel Tell Paulina What’s Going On?

Chanel gets a pain pang just as Paulina walks into the living room. It’s fine, she lies, she just hit her funny bone! They get into Lexie instead, and Paulina insists her family is the only thing keeping her sane. Theo and Abe have been by Lexie’s bedside nonstop — they haven’t been around and haven’t talked about what’s coming next.

Paulina won’t let go of the idea that she may not be Abe’s wife (But if Lexie was dead dead, doesn’t that fulfill the whole “death do us part?”)

Lani, meanwhile, meets Joy and Kelsey in the park, instantly recognizing the former soap star. And just as instantly, she gets the full run-down on the Alex/Kelsey drama! (TMI? Never heard of it.) Lani then heads home and, as Paulina runs off to make tea, checks how Chanel’s doing. Lani insists their mom would want to know what’s going on with her health, Lexie or no.

Will Stephanie Leave Alex?

Stephanie gets home only to spot a stuffed elephant for Kelsey. It’s time to talk about kids! She is not, she makes clear, ready to be a step-mother. Clueless Alex replies that, alas, she IS Kelsey’s stepmom, so — wait… Is he supposed to choose between them??

Nah, “but this isn’t what I signed on for.” Just as things start getting heated, Stephanie gets a reminder about her shooting lesson and walks out. Alex is alone and distracted when Joy texts to “talk about legal stuff,” so he practically jumps at the opportunity to meet in the “small park” by the square. (More geography! Is the lake in the small park or big park?)

Alex brings “Horton” the elephant along and gives him to Kelsey, telling Joy that he’d like Stephanie to meet Kelsey before they move forward too much. He’s just a bit taken aback to learn that she already did — and didn’t seem too thrilled.